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Artemis Fowl Review

By Ian Crow

It’s hard to get away from the subject of Coronavirus, but ‘Artemis Fowl’ is another big studio movie that was greatly affected by the deadly virus. Slated for a summer release, the most likely PG rated family movie was probably going to do fairly well in the box office. Due to Covid-19, Disney pulled the plug on its theatrical release and decided to sling it onto their new and very popular streaming service Disney+. This would be the first big experiment by Disney to utilise their new platform to see if brand new releases would benefit more from being premiered on a streaming service as oppose to a cinema run. Time will surely tell on this one.

Back to the movie itself, ‘Artemis Fowl’ is based on the very popular YA book series of the same name. It chronicles the story of a young boy named Artemis Fowl who decides to hunt down a secret fairy society who have kidnapped his father (Colin Farrell). And…that’s effectively it. For a film with a hefty $125 million budget, I really expected some kind of spectacle, especially if any kind of story of decent performance is going to be lacking. It’s actually extremely hard to put into words how “nothing” this film is. There is no substance, excitement, enjoyment, fulfilment, it’s a kids movie right? So there has to be something that would get kids interested in watching this movie and staying engaged. For the life of me, I tried my hardest to stay engaged and understand what on earth they were trying to achieve. The source material is so out of touch of modern times, I can’t imagine many kids being interested in watching this. I was 10 or 11 years old, this would not had interested me in the slightest. Even with the likes of Colin Farrell and Dame Judi Dench, they can’t do anything to salvage anything from this movie. Farrell, who I love to pieces normally, blatantly shows he was only there for the payday and almost drags himself along the soulless story. Whereas with Judi Dench, she just seems so out of her element and comfort zone as Commander Root. Whether she put on the gruff voice or if it was changed in post-production, it just sounds ridiculous. Imagine Judi Dench imitating her best Christian Bale Batman voice…horrifying.

Now onto director Kenneth Branagh. Geez, the director who lacks any kind of imagination with the camera and has failed to make any half decent movie since ‘Thor’ back in 2011, the Northern Irish director somehow manages to turn what is a really popular kid’s book series which involves fairies and all other mystical creatures and manages to make them look boring. The film is lacking of heart and soul, and that is really shown by the average camera work that offer nothing new and will make this film easily forgettable in my mind. Unfortunately, this is going to be the case with watching new movies on streaming services. It almost feels like a lottery ticket. You get one great film and then the next is a pile of rubbish.

Hey, this film may not be great, but we have other reviews we would love you to read!
Da 5 Bloods Review

The All Things Movies Podcast #20 – Crow’s Rating is Right – Maggie Gyllenhaal

The All Things Movies Podcast #19 – Best of 2002!

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